Spicy Nachos

Today on “Explanation and Examples of Random Things Born in the Dorm,” we are explaining the secret meaning of “spicy nachos.” It all began on a Sunday like any other. Actually, scratch that. It wasn’t a Sunday like any other; any other Sunday does not usually involve eating a ridiculously large container of orange jello while laughing so hard that all talking is banned during said eating to prevent innocent civilians from getting jello spat on them by Keenan. However, during this particular Sunday, Keenan was texting a girl. Now I know you think this moment was monumental enough already, but it became almost legendary when this conversation sparked one of our new catchphrases. In one of the girl’s texts, she called Keenan a smart cookie, which left him at a loss for words and in desperate need of creative assistance. He quickly turned to me and asked what he should say, and I, having just eaten many Spicy Nacho Doritos, told him to call her a spicy nacho. My advice was quickly taken, and she even demanded a recording of him saying it because we explained to her that it doesn’t have quite the same effect unless you hear it, which is the truth.

Anyway, later that night, we were singing karaoke in the dorm like is expected and natural. After an evening filled with the delightful sounds of Phil Collins, Beyonce, and the Eurythmics, among others, we gathered around the whiteboard in the hallway and wondered just how much better our night would have been had our roommate Daniel not ran off with his girlfriend and been absent for the festivities. We then left him a note with a simple phrase on the whiteboard-“Karaoke before spicy nachos, man.” Those five words were the grand beginning to the tradition of accusing people of being with “Spicy Nachos” for getting in any situation that involved a member of the female race whom the guilty party was attracted to.

Now that being said, it is time for the example portion of “Explanation and Examples of Random Things Born in the Dorm.” I went on a date yesterday. Now seeing as I’m in a dorm with 4 ridiculously immature college students and one extremely mature, responsible college student (Steven), I obviously knew I was in for some major teasing and questioning after the date as it was, but throw in that we had just had our first girl talk of the year the day before and I knew it’d just get downright absurd. They certainly didn’t prove me wrong. Within the first five minutes of the date, I had texts from all 4 of the previously mentioned immature boys, saying things such as “Remember who you are and what you stand for, Nate,” lyrics from the song “Kiss the Girl” from Disney’s “The Little Mermaid,” and “There is a time and place for spicy nachos, and this is it!!!” Luckily I didn’t check these until after the date.

Anyway, the date itself was actually very enjoyable indeed. I met her at her apartment, where two of her roommates pretended to be her parents and saw us off, all the while asking me questions to make sure I was a trustworthy young man. We decided to go off campus to find someplace to eat, and we eventually stumbled upon a Panda Express, which is pretty much the Tiger Woods/Roger Federer/Billie Mays/etc. of Chinese take-out places. After courageously fighting through armies of bees to finish our meal (and by armies I mean one bee), we went back to campus. It was here that she told me she wanted to take me to Baskin Robbins and buy me ice cream, which was very nice, but wasn't exactly an idea I was too fond of, mainly because I’m used to the fact that if I ask someone on a date, I pay and I didn’t want her to have to spend any money on me. However, with some help from her stubbornness, my longing for free food made a compromise with my chivalry and I decided I’d get the smallest size of ice cream they had. This all would have worked out great, except the guy that got us our ice cream made fun of me for about ten straight minutes about how small my ice cream was, which also would have been fine if he was smart enough to have a fun fake-insult argument with, but alas, he wasn't, so I just kinda let it slide. After that, we went back to campus, got her laptop, and watched a movie together on a hill. It was actually pretty dang fun, and the "spicy nacho" interrogations from the roommates only lasted for about 15 minutes afterwards. I was quite pleased with the night.